HOW TO CONDUCT AN ARGUMENT CIVILLY

Story below from the Daily Mail. You can conduct an argument in a civilised fashion, if you take time and don't become too emotional, easier said than done however, but it does make sense to count to ten. Think of an argument as a debate, do not launch a tirade of abuse at the other person but state your case why you feel this way and don't go on the defensive. In this way you can reason with one another civilly after all the other person may not have a clue you feel upset and why.

Ten steps to stop an argument unleashing your inner animal

Mention the word 'argument' and images of grimacing faces and finger-jabbing spring to mind. But discussing two differing sets of opinions need not end up this way.

An argument is an art form which, if carried out efficiently, can be a useful way of understanding how people feel, as well as acting as a vehicle by which to make positive changes in a relationship.

Indeed, over the course of my career as a relationship therapist, I have seen countless couples turn negative feelings towards each other into fresh, exciting futures. So, how to proceed?

An argument is an art form which, if carried out efficiently, can be a useful way of understanding how people feel

1. DON'T BE AN ANIMAL

Examine how you are feeling emotionally by checking where you are on a scale of one to ten

Before starting an argument, it is vital you check your internal barometer. 

Examine how you are feeling emotionally by checking where you are on a scale of one to ten – one being serene and ten positively furious.

If you’re above seven-and-a-half, don’t even think about entering into a discussion.

When you become angry, your body displays physical symptoms. 

You will regress into a more animal state because neurons are not fired quickly enough to an area of the brain called the amygdala, which is responsible for processing our emotions.

At this point you are no longer capable of engaging in proper, rational thought and so revert to a primitive ‘fight-or-flight’ mode.

In this state your body is preparing itself to either fight, be it physically or verbally, or run away to seek shelter. 

You will notice physical symptoms such as a faster heartbeat, sweaty palms, a high temperature, feeling tense and sometimes extreme thoughts of violence.

When you feel like this, take some time out to reflect on why you are so angry or upset.

2. TAKE A BREATHER

If taking only a short break, try to breathe slowly and deeply – it helps to signal to your brain that you are not in a dangerous situation. 

Your nervous system will start to behave normally and you will be able to assess your situation more objectively.

3. ARE THINGS REALLY THAT BAD?

Sometimes a simple form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), a type of psychotherapy, may be of use. 

Note what is making you angry, think about why it makes you angry and then try to assess whether the situation really is as bad as you think it is. Very often it is not.

4. REMEMBER YOUR GOAL

When you finally decide to enter into an argument, make sure you go in with the correct attitude. 

Remember that the goal is to be happy, not to be in the right. You should want to resolve the situation, not just compete or indulge in a pointless fight.

5. MIND YOUR LANGUAGE

Know what the aim of the conflict is – do you want an apology or a change in behaviour, for example? Write it down. 

You will need to be equipped with appropriate language – verbal and physical – to make your desires or grievances clear. 

It can be easy to meander on to other, irrelevant issues in your relationship in the heat of the moment. Try not to as it will confuse the purpose of the argument and slow down any chance of resolution.

6. THE GENTLE TOUCH

It is almost impossible to pretend you are not angry or upset when you are, but try not to hold a defensive posture. 

Aim not to hunch your shoulders, fold your arms or gesticulate too wildly. If possible, try to sit opposite the person you are arguing with and, if it’s your partner or someone you are very close to, perhaps even place your hand on theirs.

Keep reminding yourself that the  purpose of the conflict is for both people to come out of the other side as happy as possible. This will almost undoubtedly mean compromise, and the power of touch hints at this.

7. STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN

More important than talking is listening. You must show the other person that you are willing and able to hear both sides of the story being discussed. 

Indeed, hearing their side might even help contextualise your own feelings, making it easier to understand why you have ended up having a row in the first place.

And when you do start talking, do so with caution. Arguments are not blaming games – that chance you have to vocalise your emotions is not just a cue to hurl abuse at someone.

8. POSITIVE THINKING

Instead of telling someone what they have done wrong and how they have made you feel, centre the discussion on yourself and bring in positive examples of the other person’s behaviour to help convey your point. 

For example, instead of saying ‘You forgot my birthday and you made me feel upset’, try ‘I felt upset when you forgot my birthday because you are usually so thoughtful.’ 

This immediately makes the tone less aggressive, limits the extent of fault placed on that person and makes it easier for them to understand why you’re unhappy.

9. THE FUTURE'S BRIGHT

Try not to fall back on past mistakes or conflicts when expressing the way you feel. 

The chances are that the person you are fighting with will be only too aware of past misdemeanours and  neither they nor you can do anything to change them.

Instead, focus on the here and now, so there can be resolution and reconciliation.

10. THERE’S STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS

It is also crucial to remember that admitting a weakness, or when you have made a mistake, is a definite strength and in many cases is the key to ending a dispute. 

And if all else fails, get help. It can be too easy to enter into what seems to be a never-ending cycle of vicious disagreements.

If you think you need a third party to get involved and help arbitrate conversations, there are therapists available to help you.

harleytherapy.co.uk

Maggie Brown (Author)

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WARNING! IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN WHEN COMMUNICATION BECOMES DIFFICULT (ASTROLOGY MERCURY RETROGRADE)

This time Mercury enters retrograde from Sunday 15th July until Wednesday 8th August.

When Mercury goes into retrograde all communication is affected one way or another, not just between people in relationships, but mail, transport, computers, phones, you name it, things can become difficult, delayed, mail gets lost. So if you have anything that needs signing do it now or delay things until after August 8th. This is generally a busy time for me with clients with relationship problems. if you find yourself in this scenario, DON'T overreact, hang fire and count to ten, the difficulties will pass at least this time it's just around three weeks.

For those who don't understand what Mercury Retrograde is:

An apparent backward motion of the planets is called a "retrograde" motion. It occurs in several stages. At first the planet seems to stand still, then it backs up through the signs, stands still again, and then resumes its forward motion. The amount of time that a planet spends in retrograde motion depends on the planet's orbit, varying from about twenty-two days for nearby Mercury to about 160 days for distant Pluto.

When Mercury is retrograde, it is considered to be a time of problems with interaction, travel and even the simple basic workings of things. It is also thought that the general averse aspects of a retrograde planetary motion carry over into the lives of the people born under them as a part of their lifetime astrological chart.

Maggie Brown (Author)

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VENUS IN RETROGRADE AND HOW IT AFFECTS RELATIONSHIPS

Now I've talked about Mercury in retrograde on here but its not only Mercury that goes into retrograde but all the planets do and this creates effects and at the moment Venus is in retrograde. It can make for a tricky time regarding relationships

Next Period of Venus Retrograde (2012)
07 Gem 29 Apr 12, 2012	23 Gem 59 May 15, 2012	07 Gem 29 Jun 27, 2012	23 Gem 59 Jul 31, 2012
Venus

With Venus retrograde, the pace of relationships slows down, so this is not the best time to get married or give big parties. Since Venus rules diplomacy, slowdowns in all sorts of negotiations can be expected, including industrial disputes, legal issues and diplomatic endeavours. Unresolved issues from the past will come forward and demand resolution such as  stirring up old flames, relationships and even kindred Spirits or Soul connections from long ago (and or past lives).

Venus, the goddess of love, rules feelings and emotion, aesthetics and tastes, relationships, fashions and all forms of desire, money and wealth. Venus rules social attitudes and behaviour She governs romance, marriage and other partnerships, capacity for humour, and the pursuit of pleasure.

Venus Retrograde in Gemini 

May 15, 2012  till  Jun 27, 2012  

Venus is in retrograde for approximately every eighteen months and will be in retrograde for about forty days.

This year we will have a retrograde period in the sign of Gemini.  This will deal with our romantic lives and our values.  On the down side, it can be more of a distorted perspective and attitude.

It is a time when you will start to analysis your personal life and relationships that you have.  Evaluate the reason why others are in your life and what value do they really have for you. You are aware of these issues, difference or unresolved problems with others.  Wait till Venus goes direct if you are planning to let go people from your life.  This will give you more understanding of what is and has been going on and your role in the relationship. But you must also realise that in any relationships there will always be differences.  They question is how much do you want to tolerate and what is actually depleting or negative to your well being as a whole.  

In some cases if a relationship has difficulties, things can work themselves out for the best.  During this retrograde we find people feeling more unloved, unappreciated and disappointed.  Remember it is almost like the opposite of what the planet has to offer.  People will feel that they need to get more out a relationship.  This makes it a great time to mend relationships and apologise when needed in relationships.

During this retrograde period, it is advised not to get married or start new relationships.  The reason is, they will not last.  

Also, not a good time to make any major financial decisions.  

Any type of cosmetic work done should be postponed until after this time.

Watch out for splurging on things that will be a substitute for the need to feel loved.   It can be costly to you on some level.

Do not purchase pricey or luxury items during this time.  What looks good will not looks good later.  In addition, financially there will be a downfall with it. Venus retrograde is an excellent time for buying antiques, flea market items and secondhand goods wherein you know the real worth and value of the item but the seller do not. Therefore, the key here is, if you know you are getting a bargain before retrograde, try to haggle the price during retrograde and you might just get an awesome deal.

It is a favourable time for re-negotiating a financial situation such as a contract or bank loan. It can be helpful in resolving a long-standing legal matter.

Courtesy of http://www.carlamary.net

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SOCIAL INTERACTION OF SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES

An interesting article this one I found on Yahoo, I can't answer for what others think but before the researchers generalise, I think they need to research fully before the researchers make their judgements. Social Networking is a highly effective tool for marketing, in fact the vast majority of major companies as well as small traders etc and other media have a presence on Facebook. This is why I am there, as I can interact with potential clients both for the service I provide and as customers/readers of my books and I have both a private and a fan page. 

I have seen the type of personality they talk about though, they like to create drama for the sheer sake of it, so they can generate attention and say 'poor me'. They have also been known to state they may have cancer, or some other serious illness, I have come across this. Some like to be what I would describe Lord or Lady Bountiful! whereby they will foist their religious beliefs onto others and state they will pray for you, and constantly copy and paste religious messages on others pages, these types like the attention of being do gooders, though they are often the biggest hypocrites that walked the earth. Another trait is they paste on their status, "If you don't interact with me enough I will delete you off my page". Else they will state, "I'm house cleaning, if you want kept on my page say so", this is often the same type who post the religious messages. Is there any need to state this at all? if they have noticed that they dont have as many interactions from so called friends and its clear they are not likely too, there is nothing to stop them hitting the delete button without the song and dance about it. As I see it, if they have to state this publicly then it is a form of attention seeking. But before they do, they should remember interaction is a two way process and many lead very busy lives and don't always get the time to be socially as active as they would like.

ARTICLE BELOW FROM YAHOO

Researchers have established a direct link between the number of friends you have on Facebook and the degree to which you are a "socially disruptive" narcissist.

People who scored highly on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory questionnaire had more friends on Facebook, tagged themselves more often and updated their newsfeeds more regularly.

The research comes amid increasing evidence that young people are becoming increasingly narcissistic and obsessed with self image and shallow friendships.

The latest study, published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, also found that narcissists responded more aggressively to derogatory comments made about them on the social networking site's public walls and changed their profile pictures more often.

A number of previous studies have linked narcissism with Facebook use, but this is some of the first evidence of a direct relationship between Facebook friends and the most "toxic" elements ofnarcissistic personality disorder.

Researchers at Western Illinois University studied the Facebook habits of 294 students, aged between 18 and 65, and measured two "socially disruptive" elements of narcissism - Grandiose Exhibitionism (GE) and Entitlement/Exploitativeness (EE).

GE includes "self-absorption, vanity, superiority, and exhibitionistic tendencies" and people who score high on this aspect of narcissism need to be constantly at the centre of attention.

They often say shocking things and inappropriately self-disclose because they cannot stand to be ignored or waste a chance of self-promotion.

The EE aspect includes "a sense of deserving respect and a willingness to manipulate and take advantage of others".

The research revealed that the higher someone scored on aspects of GE, the greater the number of friends they had on Facebook, with some amassing more than 800.

Those scoring highly on EE and GG were also more likely to accept friend requests from strangers and seek social support, but less likely to provide it, according to the research.

Carol Craig, a social scientist and chief executive of the Centre for Confidence and Well-being , said young people in Britain were becoming increasingly narcissistic and Facebook provided a platform for the disorder.

"The way that children are being educated is focusing more and more on the importance of self-esteem - on how you are seen in the eyes of others.

"This method of teaching has been imported from the US and is 'all about me'.

"Facebook provides a platform for people to self-promote by changing profile pictures and showing how many hundreds of friends you have. I know of some who have more than 1,000."

Dr Viv Vignoles, senior lecturer in social psychology at Sussex University, said there was "clear evidence" from studies in the US that college students were becoming increasingly narcissistic.

But he added: "Whether the same is true of non-college students or of young people in other countries, such as the UK, remains an open question, as far as I know.

"Without understanding the causes underlying the historical change in US college students, we do not know whether these causes are factors that are relatively specific to American culture... or whether they are factors that are more general, for example new technologies such as mobile phones and Facebook."

Dr Vignoles said the correlational nature of the latest study meant it was difficult to be certain whether individual differences in narcissism led to certain patterns of Facebook behaviour, whether patterns of Facebook behaviour led to individual differences in narcissism, or a bit of both.

Christopher Carpenter, who ran the study, said: "In general, the 'dark side' of Facebook requires more research in order to better understand Facebook's socially bene?cial and harmful aspects in order to enhance the former and curtail the latter.

"If Facebook is to be a place where people go to repair their damaged ego and seek social support, it is vitally important to discover the potentially negative communication one might ?nd on Facebook and the kinds of people likely to engage in them.

"Ideally, people will engage in pro-social Facebooking rather than anti-social me-booking."

Maggie Brown (Author)

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WHAT FRIGHTENS OFF MEN?

I obtained this article via Yahoo but given the amount of problems clients come to me with, I couldn't put it any better myself. I get so many women clients who after they have had one date, they are mentally planning their wedding from the wedding dress right down to the seating arrangements. They ask me is this the one, sometimes if they are lucky it is and I have to remind them to be themselves and to reiterate all of the following below, some on the other hand have to kiss a lot of frogs to find their prince and they don't always like it, when either I say to go slowly else you will frighten him off or he's not the one.

 

Five Things Women Do That Frighten Men Off

Men are like wild horses: they scare easy.

1.    Insta-Coupling
Women often say that men are scared of commitment. Newsflash: they’re not. What they’re scared of is commitment too soon, and “too soon” simply means “before he’s thought of it himself”. You can’t be the one leading the way when it comes to anything like spending more time together, becoming exclusive, moving in or getting married. All you can do is set your own personal time-limit and then quietly leave when it’s time to get out.
This starts right from the beginning. When you meet a new man, never make the mistake of letting him feel you have a boyfriend-shaped vacancy in your life that he can just hop straight into. Don’t start calling to say, “Hello” and “Good night” every day, or immediately start inviting him along to all your plans. It’s not flattering to him, he wants to feel he’s having to win you over by his sheer amazingness. Let him feel your life is full and fulfilling already – and if it’s not, slap yourself and go get busy -- and that he has to create a boyfriend vacancy by himself, by thinking of ways to please you.

2.    Insecurity
The first three months of a relationship should be easy and fun, happy and light-hearted. It’s not the time to tell him your thighs are completely different sizes, you’ve always hated your hands and that you can’t get through a day at work without crying. We’re all insecure but your boyfriend is not the place to seek comfort and reassurance in the early stages. To understand this, you have to realise that men and women bond in different ways. Men only tell problems to one another when they’re looking for solutions – we do it as a way to break the ice. If you confess everything you secretly dislike about yourself to a new man, he’ll assume you’re wanting him to “fix” it all, and feel overwhelmed. He’ll start thinking, “Wow – this girl seems to have a lot of stuff going on at the moment. I can’t cope with all this, I have my stuff too.” Instead, act as if you truly like yourself. 

3. Be too nice
“Whatever you want!” “I don’t mind which film we watch!” “I’ll have what you’re having!” When a woman really likes a man, she sometimes stops voicing her opinions and begins blending into his world as much as she can, to keep his approval. (This often happens after nookie.) Instead of being the sassy, independent-thinker her man originally fell in love with, the girl begins to turn away from everything she likes, and turn towards his interests instead. She swaps her TV dramas for his sports shows, wears the clothes he likes her in and forgets all her hobbies because HE has become her main hobby. Attractive? So, so not. Turning yourself into his Mini-Me will take all the fun out of the relationship. You’ll lose confidence, stop pursuing your goals and he’ll start distrusting you – if he doesn’t know when you’re unhappy, he won’t know when you’re happy. Keep your spicy edge. If he teases you about watching Come Dine With Reality Tattooed Brides every week, ignore him – and keep watching it. He wants to date an equal.

4.    Try to make him jealous
Occasionally, if you feel your man is losing interest in you, you might feel tempted to make him a little bit jealous. Should you give in to this temptation? Very, very cautiously. Truth is, if a man loves you, he will automatically feel you’re pursued by other men all the time. He’ll think you’re so beautiful that you can’t get on a bus without men circling your seat like slavering wolves. So if you bring this to his attention too obviously, he will think, “What’s she really trying to tell me here?” He’ll see it as a game and it’ll irritate him. Imagine how you’d feel if he came home from work saying, “Woah – the new PA just couldn’t keep her eyes off me today!”
Instead, just look your very best and keep your life as happy and busy as possible. Occasionally be busy at weekends. Keep going out with the girls. Keep working-out at the gym. Go away on holiday without him sometimes. Take every opportunity to meet new people. Keep putting yourself in places where he’ll worry you’ll meet someone better than him, and he’ll keep on his best behaviour around you.

5.    Over-reacting
Men like a spirited, strong woman, that’s for sure. But they see “strong” in a very specific way. To men, a strong woman is not the girl who shouts at him every time he looks at another woman, lets rip when he comes home late or lectures him on how he’s let her down. A real sign of strength is poise – don’t let him see that he gets to you. He’ll be far more concerned about losing you if you calmly and briefly tell him what’s wrong and say you’ll see him again when he’s fixed it (then leave him alone), than if you yell and threaten and cry but remain right by his side. If you keep reacting emotionally, he’ll see you as out-of-control and weak and he’ll retreat.
At all times, keep your eyes focussed on your goals in life aside from him. Work, work out, see your friends. Do this even when you want to be with him all the time – do it especially when you want to be with him all day. Keep your life moving. Give him space and freedom naturally by being happy in your own skin whether he’s there or not. That’s when you’ll frighten him in the best way – that one day you might disappear – and he’ll work to secure you forever.
 

Maggie Brown (Author)

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RELATIONSHIP ISSUES

I have borrowed this article below from an article on Yahoo. All too late we can wake up after we have made the relationship permanent or there are children involved. Our vision is often clouded by the rosy tinted hues of love and those heady passionate days early on in a relationship. We think oh it will be ok, he/she might change. The sad truth is like the old saying, "You cannot teach an old dog new tricks". Many of these traits below are formed early on in a persons' life and the only way you have a hope of teaching someone its wrong to be controlling or aggressive is to make a stand and tell them its unacceptable. Whilst this advice may risk the relationship when you stand up to this bullying (aggression and controlling) it's better that than finding yourself being physically and mentally abused especially if in later years you have children in this relationship. If he/she are not willing to change then its not much of a relationship worth saving and one you certainly don't need. A relationship should be one of equal partnership and mutual understanding and compromise.

None of us are perfect, we all have faults and flaws but life is for learning and mostly we learn from mistakes and rectify them. Have the courage to politely say you are not happy and state how you feel and you can do this, without pointing the finger or being aggressive to the other person. The only way you will solve problems is with dialogue and communication and MUTUAL compromise and empathy. The reasons why we are incarnated on Earth really, to learn and grow.

MPB (c)

 ARTICLE FROM YAHOO BELOW

Relationship behaviour you should never put up with

Arguments and disagreements are a healthy part of being together but certain relationship behaviour can highlight more serious issues that could even put you in danger. We identify the key warning signs that indicate it’s time to move on.

Aggression
Not all aggressive behaviour should be seen as a danger sign. It’s natural for someone to lose their temper occasionally, but a pattern of violent threats or even physical abuse towards you are the clearest warning you need to extricate yourself from the relationship. Kate Taylor, relationship expert at Match.com offers this tip on how to spot this type of behaviour before it’s too late, “Aggression shows a lack of control which might one day be directed towards you, perhaps violently. You often see this early on, directed towards animals, children or people felt to be ‘beneath’ the aggressor. If it’s directed at someone you know, it’s only a matter of time before it’s directed at you.”

Moodiness
A recent survey published by the American Psychological Association found that women were more attracted to moody men than those with a cheerful smile. This is a worrying revelation since excessive moodiness and grumpiness are an indicator that your partner is using selfish emotional mind games to manipulate you. Kate says, “People who don’t bother to moderate their moods – or even simply warn you about them – are putting their feelings way before yours. They feel self-centred, as if they deserve love no matter how they behave and you shouldn’t put up with it.”

Lack of respect
One of the most basic of expectations from any relationship is mutual respect for each other. While you may not share the same tastes or have the same opinion, your other half should always be respectful of you. Kate says, “If someone is disrespectful of your possessions, your time or your feelings, they are displaying their own feelings of superiority. Don’t tolerate it. Instead, call them on this behaviour calmly and quietly. If they persist, finish with them. You can spot this on the first few dates – if a new partner is rude or abrasive with waiting staff in a restaurant, for example, realise that one day they will behave exactly like that towards you.”

Dishonesty
Both men and women tell the occasional white lie - be it to protect the other person or save hurting their feelings - but if your partner seems to be caught in the perpetual pattern of deception, it’s time to flag up the issue. “Dishonesty destroys trust, which is the backbone of every healthy relationship. Even the smallest lies are destructive, creating doubt and anxiety.” explains Kate, “If you catch your partner out in a lie, immediately point it out to them and ask them why they felt they couldn’t tell the truth. If their answer fails to reassure you, leave.”

Control issues
If you feel as though your partner tries to have too much sway over how you spend your time, whom you see and what you do, there could be some control issues at play. According to Kate this is usually a sign of insecurity, “A controlling person fears rejection so hugely, they will manipulate situations to get the outcome they want. This is behaviour usually learned in childhood, if parents were angry or inconsistent. Be aware though, not all such behaviour is ‘controlling’, some is simply caring. A partner asking you to call them when you arrive somewhere, for example, is just expressing concern, but a partner stopping you calling anyone when you’re together is being controlling.”

Maggie Brown (Author)

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GIRL FRIENDS, GIRL FRIENDS WOMEN CAN BE SO CRUEL

I've had this done to me too, so I know how it feels. I feel it's something in women's survival instinct, that cause them to do this. Wherever you have a group of women you will always have an element of competition and rivalry where upon there will be jealousy and bitchiness. Likewise most women don't dress to impress men, if you ask them the vast majority if they are honest, they will tell you its to impress and be one up on other women

FROM THE DAILY MAIL

Why are women so cruel when it comes to dumping friends?

For many women, there’s only one thing more devastating — more visceral in many ways — than being dumped by a bloke. And that’s being dumped by a girlfriend.
Like being fired, it is a rite of passage into emotional adulthood that many of us will have experienced — or, if we haven’t, we certainly should have.
It hurts. Hell, it’s meant to. Suddenly, someone with whom you’ve shared everything (except sex and morning cornflakes) for years freezes you out. For ever. You are, unapologetically, ‘iced’.

Famous falling out: Paris Hilton, left, and Nicole Richie were once the best of friends

Women do it to other women with exquisite cruelty. They use the silent treatment. They’ll bitch to friends till the cows come home about what you’ve done to get up their perfect little noses, but they don’t pick up the telephone to try to straighten things out with you.
They don’t return calls, they give parties and don’t invite you (but invite mutual friends so you always hear about them). They never make the first move and, worse, they never make the last move.
There’s no farewell dinner, no Dear John letter, no one for the road, no one for old time’s sake — and therefore, no closure.

Rachel Johnson, editor of The Lady magazine, was dumped twice by friends when she was younger

The dumpee is left wondering: what was all that about? Why am I no longer required? Men find women’s behaviour in this regard utterly bizarre.
As a male acquaintance once said: ‘There’s nothing in the world stronger and flimsier in the world of relationships than two female best friends — because today everything is good, but tomorrow you might have to damn her and discontinue that friendship till the day you die.
Yup, I’ve been there. Twice. The first time, I was dumped by my best friend from school because she thought I’d slept with her boyfriend. I hadn’t, strictly speaking. But there were Clintonian shades of ‘I did not have sex with that man!’ to my denials because we had messed around. But we were undergraduates. I was 19, for Pete’s sake!
The second time I was also quite young. My friend was simply fed up with me and our lives had diverged: mine into marriage, the BBC and children, hers into being a single installation artist in a Shoreditch loft.
So I have never been dumped by someone with whom I’ve shared boyfriend misery, childbirth war stories, husband agonies, career dilemmas. When that happens, it must be shattering.
‘I was dumped,’ says a very dear friend of mine. ‘I’d known this woman intimately for 15 years, she was single, and every weekend, the call would come: “What are you up to?” and we would include her in the family. We looked after every spare moment of her long spinsterhood.
‘Then she met a bloke and my husband left me. Instead of calling and saying, “Are you OK?” or asking: “Do you want to come round?” my best friend became best friends with my replacement. She went off with the new woman!’

Life gets in the way: If one of you gets married or has children before the other, it can lead to jealousy and resentment like in the film Bride Wars

It’s hardly surprising my friend is still spitting about it. Often, you don’t see a man for dust after a sexual relationship has run its course, but you do expect your, er, steady girlfriend to watch your back — and when she doesn’t it can be unexpectedly horrid.
‘It wasn’t more hurtful than being left by my husband, it was a different kind of betrayal,’ says my friend.
So it’s a mystery. According to evolutionary biologists, women have a ‘tending instinct’.
When the going gets rough we round up the kids, protect the weak, hoard food, and align ourselves with other females for protection. So when the bonds rupture, and females go cold on one another, it goes against nature. Or does it?

Perhaps our female friendships are more like affairs than we admit. The female really is deadlier than the male when it comes to relationships. I think this is because we have lots of female friends, and usually only one male lover at any one time and the females are more disposable.
I sometimes wonder whether we pick female friends as we choose lovers — because there’s excitement, chemistry, attraction — rather than as we choose our husbands. When it comes to a life-long partner, we seek dependability, solvency, kindness, among other qualities.
But with new lovers, just as with new girlfriends, there’s the crucial sizzle factor. And an early friendship is actually much like an early relationship — there’s a stage at the beginning when you feel you were made for each other, you can’t get enough of each other’s company, you chitter-chatter on the phone . . .  and then one of you messes up, goes on a bit, and you realise: you’re mates. It’s nothing special, just a common-or-garden friendship.

'Women are programmed to be promiscuous about friendships: we have loads of friends, and few sexual partners - while for men it's the other way round'

And, if you’re lucky, and the friendship has solid foundations — lots in common, children the same age — you soldier on. But sometimes something happens when friendship can’t continue.
There’s too much jealousy (if one of you marries, has children, loses weight and looks threateningly hot). There’s too much resentment (if one of you has poached a friend, betrayed a confidence, or been caught gossiping).
And then, sometimes, it just ends. One of you is . . . let go.
Men approach friendship very differently. They tend to make friends, usually aged eight or so, and hold on to them no matter what — adultery, divorce, betrayal, gender-reassignment.
My husband has five really close male friends, the same ones he’s had since he was in short trousers, and he wouldn’t dream of changing the line-up.
I have an ever-growing roster of female friends, and make (and occasionally lose) friends all the time. When I asked my husband if he’d ever dumped a friend, he had to think for ages, then said: ‘Maybe one . . . ’
When I asked him why, he said: ‘Oh, he became a junkie, and abusive, and every time I saw him he asked me for money, and it just became a bore.’
‘Did you cut him out of your life?’ I asked. ‘Lord no,’ said my husband. ‘I just don’t make, you know, a point of seeking him out.’
I would conclude that women are programmed to be promiscuous about friendships: we have loads of friends, and few sexual partners, while men are hardwired to have fewer friends and more sexual partners. To men, a friend is for life, but not for women.
A girlfriend really can just be for Christmas.

Maggie Brown (Author)

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