HOW TO CONDUCT AN ARGUMENT CIVILLY

Story below from the Daily Mail. You can conduct an argument in a civilised fashion, if you take time and don't become too emotional, easier said than done however, but it does make sense to count to ten. Think of an argument as a debate, do not launch a tirade of abuse at the other person but state your case why you feel this way and don't go on the defensive. In this way you can reason with one another civilly after all the other person may not have a clue you feel upset and why.

Ten steps to stop an argument unleashing your inner animal

Mention the word 'argument' and images of grimacing faces and finger-jabbing spring to mind. But discussing two differing sets of opinions need not end up this way.

An argument is an art form which, if carried out efficiently, can be a useful way of understanding how people feel, as well as acting as a vehicle by which to make positive changes in a relationship.

Indeed, over the course of my career as a relationship therapist, I have seen countless couples turn negative feelings towards each other into fresh, exciting futures. So, how to proceed?

An argument is an art form which, if carried out efficiently, can be a useful way of understanding how people feel

1. DON'T BE AN ANIMAL

Examine how you are feeling emotionally by checking where you are on a scale of one to ten

Before starting an argument, it is vital you check your internal barometer. 

Examine how you are feeling emotionally by checking where you are on a scale of one to ten – one being serene and ten positively furious.

If you’re above seven-and-a-half, don’t even think about entering into a discussion.

When you become angry, your body displays physical symptoms. 

You will regress into a more animal state because neurons are not fired quickly enough to an area of the brain called the amygdala, which is responsible for processing our emotions.

At this point you are no longer capable of engaging in proper, rational thought and so revert to a primitive ‘fight-or-flight’ mode.

In this state your body is preparing itself to either fight, be it physically or verbally, or run away to seek shelter. 

You will notice physical symptoms such as a faster heartbeat, sweaty palms, a high temperature, feeling tense and sometimes extreme thoughts of violence.

When you feel like this, take some time out to reflect on why you are so angry or upset.

2. TAKE A BREATHER

If taking only a short break, try to breathe slowly and deeply – it helps to signal to your brain that you are not in a dangerous situation. 

Your nervous system will start to behave normally and you will be able to assess your situation more objectively.

3. ARE THINGS REALLY THAT BAD?

Sometimes a simple form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), a type of psychotherapy, may be of use. 

Note what is making you angry, think about why it makes you angry and then try to assess whether the situation really is as bad as you think it is. Very often it is not.

4. REMEMBER YOUR GOAL

When you finally decide to enter into an argument, make sure you go in with the correct attitude. 

Remember that the goal is to be happy, not to be in the right. You should want to resolve the situation, not just compete or indulge in a pointless fight.

5. MIND YOUR LANGUAGE

Know what the aim of the conflict is – do you want an apology or a change in behaviour, for example? Write it down. 

You will need to be equipped with appropriate language – verbal and physical – to make your desires or grievances clear. 

It can be easy to meander on to other, irrelevant issues in your relationship in the heat of the moment. Try not to as it will confuse the purpose of the argument and slow down any chance of resolution.

6. THE GENTLE TOUCH

It is almost impossible to pretend you are not angry or upset when you are, but try not to hold a defensive posture. 

Aim not to hunch your shoulders, fold your arms or gesticulate too wildly. If possible, try to sit opposite the person you are arguing with and, if it’s your partner or someone you are very close to, perhaps even place your hand on theirs.

Keep reminding yourself that the  purpose of the conflict is for both people to come out of the other side as happy as possible. This will almost undoubtedly mean compromise, and the power of touch hints at this.

7. STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN

More important than talking is listening. You must show the other person that you are willing and able to hear both sides of the story being discussed. 

Indeed, hearing their side might even help contextualise your own feelings, making it easier to understand why you have ended up having a row in the first place.

And when you do start talking, do so with caution. Arguments are not blaming games – that chance you have to vocalise your emotions is not just a cue to hurl abuse at someone.

8. POSITIVE THINKING

Instead of telling someone what they have done wrong and how they have made you feel, centre the discussion on yourself and bring in positive examples of the other person’s behaviour to help convey your point. 

For example, instead of saying ‘You forgot my birthday and you made me feel upset’, try ‘I felt upset when you forgot my birthday because you are usually so thoughtful.’ 

This immediately makes the tone less aggressive, limits the extent of fault placed on that person and makes it easier for them to understand why you’re unhappy.

9. THE FUTURE'S BRIGHT

Try not to fall back on past mistakes or conflicts when expressing the way you feel. 

The chances are that the person you are fighting with will be only too aware of past misdemeanours and  neither they nor you can do anything to change them.

Instead, focus on the here and now, so there can be resolution and reconciliation.

10. THERE’S STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS

It is also crucial to remember that admitting a weakness, or when you have made a mistake, is a definite strength and in many cases is the key to ending a dispute. 

And if all else fails, get help. It can be too easy to enter into what seems to be a never-ending cycle of vicious disagreements.

If you think you need a third party to get involved and help arbitrate conversations, there are therapists available to help you.

harleytherapy.co.uk

Maggie Brown (Author)

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RESOLVING DIFFERENCES ASTRIDESTELLA'S PHILOSOPHY

Being a professional counsellor I would say most of the problems I hear about are about relationships, no just just romantic relationships, but between family and friends. The root of these problems are simply caused by a lack of communication. Either because one or both parties are not expressing how they feel correctly or one or both parties are not listening correctly or misconstruing what has been said. If these problems are not resolved and dealt with quickly what what originally a mole hill will become a mountain. So I have devised a set of rules.

One No disagreement can ever be solved without dialogue, this applies not just to disagreements between friends etc. but also between warring nations. How can we ever expect to find common ground without knowing how the other party feels if we don't communicate. Everyone has feelings and opinions and we are all entitled to this. This does not mean we are right and the other party is wrong. .

Two Nothing will be solved without empathy and understanding for by understanding how the other party feels, we can see how we may appear to others, perhaps we have not realised how we have come across, especially if we did not mean this. So it is important to listen carefully equally it is important to state clearly and honestly how we feel but it is also important not to attach blame to the other party for equally they too may not understand how we feel therefore empathy and understanding need to take place between both sides.

Three Compromise I know for some its a dirty word, but when we love one another unconditionally we do so without judgement and we want those we love to be happy. This does not mean we should be a door mat and let the other party have their own way far from it if both parties are willing to discuss and following the first two rules about dialogue and empathy and understanding, you can reach a compromise naturally.

Four Never let the sun go down on an argument, old saying but a very true one, the longer you leave off dialogue the more resentment and grudges build up and fester. Even if it is late in the day when a row builds up both parties should agree to differ and keep a firm appointment to come back and negotiate their differences. Running away, sticking your head in a bucket of sand and trying to forget are never the answer, this eats away at your own soul. It's important to get closure so both parties can move on instead of dwelling on the past. Which leads me to this, stick to the one disagreement in hand, don't ever rake up the past, that should have been dealt with. You can never get the past back its gone forever, we can only learn from it and move on.

In any argument it's important to deal with the present and someone has to hold out the olive branch and if both parties have applied empathy and understanding, they will both feel the need for holding out the Olive branch. I have my own little saying when it comes to arguments and sides. 'There are three sides to an argument, what one party perceives to be true, what the other party perceives to be true and the truth and what really happened'.

We are on Earth to learn valuable life lessons, Empathy, Understanding, Compassion, Compromise, Forgiveness and loving each and every other Unconditionally without judgement. Until we realise and understand this the same scenarios in our life will replay over and over again. Spend a moment to ponder this and you will see your life change for the better.

Maggie Brown (Author)

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ASTRIDESTELLA'S PHILOSOPHY ARGUMENTS/CONSTRUCTIVE DISCUSSION

ONLY BY CONSTRUCTIVE DISCUSSION CAN DIFFERENCES BE RESOLVED

Why am I not happy? Many people say this without stopping to think. This is often not because they are unhappy but in a period of stasis. We do need a certain amount of stress to motivate us, yet the curious thing is no stress at all is also stressful, we find we have too much time on our hands or we get stressed from the repetition of the same routine, change and variation keeps everything fresh and alive. This goes for all aspects of our lives, be it at home or work. However if you know the reason you are unhappy is the result of another's behaviour rather than leave it to fester it is best to tell the other party in order hopefully leading to a resolution, and not resulting in an argument.

When it comes to arguments and disagreements, these can be healthy as they help clear the air. For how are we able to know if our behaviour is affecting others, if no one tells us and likewise if we find others are upsetting us, instead of berating the other person we should tell them how we feel. The problems arise though because instead launching into a tirade of insults, it is much more constructive to start with, "I feel" and then go on to explain how YOU are feeling, without being insulting. You will then find it a lot easier to find some common ground and a solution. Another problem arises when airing grievances and that is one where old arguments are brought up, this is neither healthy or constructive. However what do you do, when you are trying to air your grievances healthily, you've started off by saying how you feel, you haven't insulted the other party, nor have you brought up the past but the other party has taken offence and gone on the defensive and started dredging up the past? Well keep calm, take a deep breath talk slowly and state you do not want an argument and that we are discussing ….etc and its unfair to bring up the past. If you are in a relationship with this person reassure them that you love them and that you don't want to argue but this is what I am feeling and I'm telling you because I love you and want to be truthful and honest and you are also my best friend and I am asking for your help. As soon as you say you are asking for their help you will generally find the whole atmosphere will change. However if they are  still acting negatively keep calm and try the broken record technique. If this doesn't help and you have done everything else correctly, then its best to wait until they have calmed down, so walk away and politely tell them  we will talk when we are BOTH calm. Now I know you are calm but if you say "YOU" it is more than likely they will flare up further.

When you have given them a suitable calming off period try again by stating you care and love them but you really want to resolve this as you genuinely didn't mean to cause distress, chances are they will have had time to think and you should be able to resolve your differences constructively. Of course you will get the sulkers and they require a different approach. Sulking is not a very mature thing to do, as it solves nothing for in order to come to a conclusion you need dialogue. Sulking is the adult version of a tantrum in my opinion, its a desire to be noticed and for attention. So you treat the sulker as you would a toddler having a tantrum. When a child has a tantrum its because they are too little to understand strong emotions and they are unable to cope, so the result is a tantrum. To dissipate a tantrum you walk away or remove the child to a quiet place firstly to help them calm down. You keep calm, you must not lose your temper as you have to control the situation for them. Calmly you talk and pretend the tantrum is not happening, you reassure the child you love them and talk quietly and lovingly to them, this does not mean to you have to give in, to what they wanted that caused the tantrum in the first place, but by being quiet and loving gradually the child will calm down and you can hug them when its all over. Its similar to what you do with a sulking adult, give them their space to calm down a bit. Talk quietly and calmly and reassure you care/love the person, you don't want to argue you really don't, but you do want to resolve things but in order to do this, we do need to talk. Now for persistent die hard sulkers you may have to leave them alone if they flare up at that and try this tact a few times but it does work.

Lastly an old saying but a true one, "Never let the sun go down on an argument". In other words don't let conflict drag on as it can grow arms, legs and bells on. Nothing is ever resolved by sulking, fighting or shouting at some point there has to be talking and if more people discussed their grievances there would be fewer wars and conflicts in this world

Maggie Brown (Author)

Visit Amazon's Maggie Brown Page

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