Why am I not happy? Many people say this without stopping to think. This is often not because they are unhappy but in a period of stasis. We do need a certain amount of stress to motivate us, yet the curious thing is no stress at all is also stressful, we find we have too much time on our hands or we get stressed from the repetition of the same routine, change and variation keeps everything fresh and alive. This goes for all aspects of our lives, be it at home or work. However if you know the reason you are unhappy is the result of another's behaviour rather than leave it to fester it is best to tell the other party in order hopefully leading to a resolution, and not resulting in an argument.
When it comes to arguments and disagreements, these can be healthy as they help clear the air. For how are we able to know if our behaviour is affecting others, if no one tells us and likewise if we find others are upsetting us, instead of berating the other person we should tell them how we feel. The problems arise though because instead launching into a tirade of insults, it is much more constructive to start with, "I feel" and then go on to explain how YOU are feeling, without being insulting. You will then find it a lot easier to find some common ground and a solution. Another problem arises when airing grievances and that is one where old arguments are brought up, this is neither healthy or constructive. However what do you do, when you are trying to air your grievances healthily, you've started off by saying how you feel, you haven't insulted the other party, nor have you brought up the past but the other party has taken offence and gone on the defensive and started dredging up the past? Well keep calm, take a deep breath talk slowly and state you do not want an argument and that we are discussing ….etc and its unfair to bring up the past. If you are in a relationship with this person reassure them that you love them and that you don't want to argue but this is what I am feeling and I'm telling you because I love you and want to be truthful and honest and you are also my best friend and I am asking for your help. As soon as you say you are asking for their help you will generally find the whole atmosphere will change. However if they are still acting negatively keep calm and try the broken record technique. If this doesn't help and you have done everything else correctly, then its best to wait until they have calmed down, so walk away and politely tell them we will talk when we are BOTH calm. Now I know you are calm but if you say "YOU" it is more than likely they will flare up further.
When you have given them a suitable calming off period try again by stating you care and love them but you really want to resolve this as you genuinely didn't mean to cause distress, chances are they will have had time to think and you should be able to resolve your differences constructively. Of course you will get the sulkers and they require a different approach. Sulking is not a very mature thing to do, as it solves nothing for in order to come to a conclusion you need dialogue. Sulking is the adult version of a tantrum in my opinion, its a desire to be noticed and for attention. So you treat the sulker as you would a toddler having a tantrum. When a child has a tantrum its because they are too little to understand strong emotions and they are unable to cope, so the result is a tantrum. To dissipate a tantrum you walk away or remove the child to a quiet place firstly to help them calm down. You keep calm, you must not lose your temper as you have to control the situation for them. Calmly you talk and pretend the tantrum is not happening, you reassure the child you love them and talk quietly and lovingly to them, this does not mean to you have to give in, to what they wanted that caused the tantrum in the first place, but by being quiet and loving gradually the child will calm down and you can hug them when its all over. Its similar to what you do with a sulking adult, give them their space to calm down a bit. Talk quietly and calmly and reassure you care/love the person, you don't want to argue you really don't, but you do want to resolve things but in order to do this, we do need to talk. Now for persistent die hard sulkers you may have to leave them alone if they flare up at that and try this tact a few times but it does work.
Lastly an old saying but a true one, "Never let the sun go down on an argument". In other words don't let conflict drag on as it can grow arms, legs and bells on. Nothing is ever resolved by sulking, fighting or shouting at some point there has to be talking and if more people discussed their grievances there would be fewer wars and conflicts in this world
When it comes to arguments and disagreements, these can be healthy as they help clear the air. For how are we able to know if our behaviour is affecting others, if no one tells us and likewise if we find others are upsetting us, instead of berating the other person we should tell them how we feel. The problems arise though because instead launching into a tirade of insults, it is much more constructive to start with, "I feel" and then go on to explain how YOU are feeling, without being insulting. You will then find it a lot easier to find some common ground and a solution. Another problem arises when airing grievances and that is one where old arguments are brought up, this is neither healthy or constructive. However what do you do, when you are trying to air your grievances healthily, you've started off by saying how you feel, you haven't insulted the other party, nor have you brought up the past but the other party has taken offence and gone on the defensive and started dredging up the past? Well keep calm, take a deep breath talk slowly and state you do not want an argument and that we are discussing ….etc and its unfair to bring up the past. If you are in a relationship with this person reassure them that you love them and that you don't want to argue but this is what I am feeling and I'm telling you because I love you and want to be truthful and honest and you are also my best friend and I am asking for your help. As soon as you say you are asking for their help you will generally find the whole atmosphere will change. However if they are still acting negatively keep calm and try the broken record technique. If this doesn't help and you have done everything else correctly, then its best to wait until they have calmed down, so walk away and politely tell them we will talk when we are BOTH calm. Now I know you are calm but if you say "YOU" it is more than likely they will flare up further.
When you have given them a suitable calming off period try again by stating you care and love them but you really want to resolve this as you genuinely didn't mean to cause distress, chances are they will have had time to think and you should be able to resolve your differences constructively. Of course you will get the sulkers and they require a different approach. Sulking is not a very mature thing to do, as it solves nothing for in order to come to a conclusion you need dialogue. Sulking is the adult version of a tantrum in my opinion, its a desire to be noticed and for attention. So you treat the sulker as you would a toddler having a tantrum. When a child has a tantrum its because they are too little to understand strong emotions and they are unable to cope, so the result is a tantrum. To dissipate a tantrum you walk away or remove the child to a quiet place firstly to help them calm down. You keep calm, you must not lose your temper as you have to control the situation for them. Calmly you talk and pretend the tantrum is not happening, you reassure the child you love them and talk quietly and lovingly to them, this does not mean to you have to give in, to what they wanted that caused the tantrum in the first place, but by being quiet and loving gradually the child will calm down and you can hug them when its all over. Its similar to what you do with a sulking adult, give them their space to calm down a bit. Talk quietly and calmly and reassure you care/love the person, you don't want to argue you really don't, but you do want to resolve things but in order to do this, we do need to talk. Now for persistent die hard sulkers you may have to leave them alone if they flare up at that and try this tact a few times but it does work.
Lastly an old saying but a true one, "Never let the sun go down on an argument". In other words don't let conflict drag on as it can grow arms, legs and bells on. Nothing is ever resolved by sulking, fighting or shouting at some point there has to be talking and if more people discussed their grievances there would be fewer wars and conflicts in this world
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